Ahhh.

Nothing like the anticipation of a three-day weekend (complete with early release from work). And a good-weather three-day weekend to boot. And the added bliss of understanding that there will not be many more weekends (let alone long weekends) without our new family member making her presence known -- therefore, sleeping in is not only a suggested but MANDATORY long weekend activity. As is brunch, I do believe.

It's great to see the parents and my grandma, although my poor grandmother took a nasty fall last week in NYC and fractured her wrist (and maybe her hip). Therefore she's pretty well sidelined, as are my poor parents who have to take care of her. So it's not exactly wild times in DC... although as I'm pretty well sidelined myself, it's not so bad. She's just so fragile, physically AND mentally. The selfish upside of their strandedness at my house is that my parents are doing things like pulling weeds and shopping and cooking, and that is great by me! Not much of a vacation for them though -- and they're going to be doing a bunch more of it when they come back in a few weeks for babytime!

Meanwhile, Star Wars was a lot of fun -- about a billion times better than the last two, in my amateur opinion -- and even Grandma claimed to enjoy it (though I doubt she got much of it, and everyone in the row kind of chuckled when she started snoring during one of the [many] battle scenes).

Well, time for lunch, it's been SUCH a hard day at work. Grin.

Things are looking up...and heading down

Things are good in the pregnancy world. In general lately I've been feeling like my body has been replaced with an evil imposter, and I had whole raging blog posts in my minds' eye, but today is full of good feelings and positive energy... so I'll save those other thoughts (I'm sure they'll be back...?).

In the last couple days, baby decided to turn head-down at long last, and pulled in those crazy legs that were basically doing the splits. She's in perfect position, and has dropped. I'm already starting to efface, and am dilated to 1 cm -- so on or ahead of schedule. Doctor said to expect a baby in 2-3 weeks! I guess I'm still a bit (a lot) nervous but the feelings of excitement and anticipation are relegating those other feelings to the background. This is a GOOD THING.

My parents and grandma will be in town for 4 nights starting tonight, after wending their way down the East Coast visiting my siblings. I have a feeling it will be a bit much to have them all in our (small) house at once, when there is so much to do, but they assure me they want to help so I am going to take their word for it and put them to work! (And let's face it, the fact that they are coming in the first place definitely got our asses into gear to clean the place up!)

So -- another not-so-creative but generally good-feeling blog entry from me. I sense stuff is about to get realllly realllly nutso around here! :)

Craigslist Confessional

I would like to take this opportunity to say I love, love, LOVE Craig's List. Thanks to my fabulous new best friend Craig, whoever he is, I have bought ALL KINDS OF THINGS for baby, very few of them new, but no one would know it.

On Friday, I discovered a posting for an exersaucer -- like new -- EXACTLY like the one I registered for... for less than half the price, and already assembled (and honey, that is worth WAY more than mere money).

Needless to say, I bought it. When I got the brand new one at my shower the next day, I took it right back for store credit. The gift-giver will never be the wiser. I was gleeful in my deception.

Along the same lines, around the time of our wedding, we found our gorgeous Waterford crystal at Costo for half the price (I admit my first thought was WTF? Costco? Wedding crystal? Does not compute!)... After I got over the snob factor, I took the pricey stuff all back to Macy's, then bought it again at the bulk retail paradise (or hellhole, depending on your take and my mood).

What do you say -- irredeemably cheap, or heroically brilliant?

Against the odds

Today was one of those statistical anomaly days, where EVERYONE leaves their houses at the same time and chaos ensues. My 15 minute commute took 40 minutes, the doctor's office parking lot (normally wide open) was PACKED, and everyone and their brother was grumpy, grumpy, grumpy (why do these kinds of statistical anomaly days not seem to happen in reverse -- NO ONE on the road, NO ONE in the parking lot -- as often?).

It was tempting to use the bizarre traffic fluctuations as an excuse to bag it all and just go home for the day. But alas, I've been off for the last two, so just couldn't justify it. So I'm here at work, tired tired tired, plotting my escape (I wish) and counting down the hours.

Meanwhile, news from the doctor is good -- blood pressure back to normal so delivery timing back on track. Low-salt diet remains in place (BOO, but I can handle it). Pregnancy-related carpal tunnel has kicked in in my hands and feet, but again -- I think I can handle it. All for a good cause.

My blog posts are so freaking boring these days, even to me. I apologize, and understand if you click away. I have been feeling very literal these days as I waddle toward the pregnancy finish line.

No more news on SS (my family friend, kind of like another dad to me, who has been fighting leukemia for most of the past year) . I wait for updates with bated breath, and at this point figure no news is bad news indeed (last I heard he was back in the hospital, probably for good, and not wanting visitors). It seems a fine line between concern and pestering, so I am trying hard to give them all space for now, until I can't wait anymore. Thank goodness P. did not insist on hosting my shower (which was lovely by the way) at her place -- she was not even able to attend, in the end. Understandable and so trivial, really.

So, that's the catchup. Hope to be more interesting soon.

Circle of life?

Six weeks until my baby is born.

Last night we learned SS has six weeks to live.

It would almost seem poetic... if it wasn't so heartbreakingly sad.

Mother's Day

I didn't post this on Monday, I guess because I was blocking it out, and because I know in my heart of hearts he did not mean it to be hurtful... but I can't seem to get past a little bit of sadness.

Mother's Day did not even occur to G. Or rather, did not occur to him in the context of me, his 8-months-pregnant wife.

So here's the thing. I am not, and never will be, HIS mother. And technically, I am not a mother YET. I know these things. And I also fundamentally loathe the inherent emotional manipulation of Hallmark holidays.

And yet... It was not about a card, or a gift, or brunch. It was about the thought. About realizing what I (body, mind, spirit) am going through for him, and for us. About this enormous change that is about to happen in our lives... that we are doing together, by all means... but that I am (literally) delivering.

I guess I also mistakenly thought I was giving him clues -- when I volunteered to buy Mother's Day cards not only for my mom and grandmother but also HIS... and when I pointed out how cool it was when, a few days ahead of the calendar, cheery pastel envelopes arrived from my brother and sister -- obviously, I told him, Mother's day cards.

I just don't understand how it didn't even flicker onto his radar screen. And, in spite all the love he gives me EVERY day, which I am ever-so-grateful for (and which I fully understand manifests itself in non-Hallmark ways, like scraping ice off my windshield in the dead of winter)... it hurt.

I told him how it felt, and I cried, and I even tried to resist apologizing for crying. He knew right away he fucked up, and he tried to rectify it... but since it was NOT about the card, or the gift, or the brunch, but about being in touch with my needs/desires/emotions -- it was kind of too late.

That being the case, there wasn't much to do after making my feelings known but move on and be done with it. I know he's sorry. I also know he's not a mind-reader (and that was painfully obvious here), so I took advantage of the opportunity to tell him how I would like him -- and future child -- to recognize the occasion in the future. I hate that it bothers me so much...

I guess we'll see what happens next year.

Third (trimester) Watch

Had another doctor appointment today. Swelling way down (good), amniotic fluid levels normal (good), blood pressure still skewing a bit high (less good). She wants to monitor me more closely -- weekly now -- and if I continue to skew high they may want to induce/schedule a c-section (depending on baby's position -- she's still breach as of now) at 38 weeks.

Today is 34 weeks... so WOW that is soon. When you're this close two weeks really does count!

Meanwhile, every time I mention the possibility of a c-section to my parents (which is more and more likely with every passing day that she doesn't turn, I guess), they gasp and say things like "OH NO" and "Oh I HOPE you don't have to go through that," etc. etc. etc. -- like it's a huge doomsday prediction. Honestly, this reaction is stressing me out! I figure if my doctor feels it has to happen, it has to, and I might as well be flexible about it and try not to worry. It is not helpful for them to (outwardly at least) express their vast opposition to a possible outcome they cannot control (and I know they want for me whatever is best/safest/smartest). I tried to call them on it today, and I think they got it -- because all of a sudden it changed to, "Well, it'll be fine, it's probably no big deal" (which of course didn't exactly ring true either after the initial gasping in horror). Ugh.

That said -- I would be a little sad if I had to have a c-section. I can't totally explain why, and I have non-pregnant, childless friends who can't understand why you would want anything *other* than a scheduled c-section (no labor, pretty non-smushed baby, etc). But... I want to understand labor, and feel contractions, and tell my husband "it's time," and go through that amazing life event together. I have nothing but respect for the c-section, and certainly believe it's just as legitimate a form of birth, and motherhood... just would prefer the other way (not to mention the recovery from c-section just doesn't sound fun).

In other news, a mutual friend had a "portent" yesterday that SS will live to meet the baby. I hope she is right; on good days it seems likely and easy, on bad days I almost wouldn't wish such a protracted painful existence on him. We will see. A scheduled c-section at 38 weeks certainly would make that a more realistic possibility, I suppose... For him, two weeks early could make all the difference.

Better, I guess

Sonogram was all well and good. Absolutely hated the specialist's office -- an hour and a half wait, loud and grubby, and NO bedside manner -- but the results were good so I ain't complaining (much). I will say -- HMOs are just SO limiting in so many ways.

Got the nice nurses at my allergist's office to take my blood pressure -- it's way down too (relatively -- 16 points lower than last week). So things are on the right track.

My own doctor, however, has not bothered to return my calls confirming that I can proceed with my life, in spite of the fact that she asked me to check in. What's up with that? I'm finding it a bit troubling (although I presume she would have called if things were really BAD).

Anyway, I've taken *myself* off bedrest (although I have my feet up on a coffee table I jammed under my desk here at work) and I'm back to life. Must say, I feel awfully tired today... not sure if it's the power of suggestion, or this pregnancy finally catching up to me. But clearly, I am not the "me" I normally am anymore, for the moment. Must keep reminding myself that.

(God this is a boring post. But I figure it's more for the record than anything else, so you know I'm not at death's door. Sorry people, will try to be more inspired next time!)

Bedrest, Day 6

So I'm lying here, and lying here, and lying here, and lying here. Mostly it's just frustrating and I'm mad at myself for getting into this predicament, and sure that I'm being punished for a couple weeks of relatively 'bad' living. But then... I have moments of fear that something is really wrong. The evidence doesn't point to it (yet), but still the thoughts creep in. I feel every twinge down below. I analyze every bit of discharge (is it 'watery'?). I obsess about what I'm eating and drinking at all times. I worry that my ankles are too big and my tummy is too small. And then I tell myself how stupid I'm being.

Anyway, I might as well just suck it up for the moment -- my "specialist sonogram" is in three hours and then hopefully I'll know more. Surely I can find three hours worth of distracting daytime tv to tide me over till then, no?

Speaking of the sonogram (roundaboutly)... G. called today, harried. He's very stressed at work. People making demands, imposing deadlines, etc. I found myself apologizing profusely for further messing up his busy day with this sonogram that will take him out of the office and set him back hours. Was feeling guilty about it, until I started feeling kind of annoyed instead. I totally get it... BUT. Hello, I have been away from work for almost a week! MY deadlines are all shot to hell, MY schedule is completely way behind, and I certainly did not ask for this!! I'm not really mad I guess... just decided I'm done apologizing. If I have to be there -- and I HAVE to be there -- he can find the time. See how it is... KIND OF. No being let off the hook, if I can't be. Yeah, it's inconvenient... but we're in this together, I figure. I'm sure he'd agree, if he'd stop to think about it.