Update

I have a lot to write about but haven't been able to find the time or the words for awhile. The shower and the CA trip were wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. I am well aware that I am so lucky to be surrounded by such excellent friends and family. It was such a special occasion.

And on another note, I sure hope this really is a girl (the tech at 16 weeks swore she's never been wrong, but those seem like famous last words to me!), because now I have 6 months worth of darling pink and floral baby clothes....! :)

It's also finally spring and the cherry blossoms are just amazingly beautiful this year. It's a true anomaly when the weekend, the bloom peak, AND good weather coincide. We rode bikes (a bit of a trick when your knees graze your belly) to a neighborhood where it's like traversing under a snowy canopy. Spectacular.

The overshadowing news, though -- the news that has made it hard to post, and is hard to process/regurgitate in any meaningful enough way -- is that SS is really dying. No more options. Not a lot more hope. The leukemia is back in 90% of his blood cells, he's not responding to the experimental drug, any more chemo would kill him immediately, and the transplant is off the table. I am sorry to say he is mostly angry, and also tired. Beaten down is the only way I can describe it. He thinks the hospital screwed up and he feels it's so unfair after his long fight. I hope before the time actually comes, he will find some peace.

Meanwhile, he insists on finishing my taxes (he's my accountant, too), something I have a lot of guilt about but he swears distracts him and gives him something to get him through the days. I have tried to put my foot down but he won't give them back to me, and it's April 11. I wish he wouldn't.

On Saturday I stopped by with some cherry blossom clippings from our tree, and took him the sonogram video we got last week (We finally saw her face! Mesmerizing!). I finally just went because I realized that continuing to ask P. "when would be a good time to visit" would mean we'd never visit -- it's just NEVER a good time.

We talked for awhile. And then, in short -- he said goodbye. Told me he wished he could meet my baby, and told me he loved me. I don't think I said all the right things back. I thought of everything later. I wanted to say, "Your family is my family, and I will do everything I can to be there for them they way you have been there for me." I wanted to say, "When the kids are off to college in the fall, I will make sure P. is not lonely, and my baby will love her like a grandmother." And, "My baby will know all about you, because you are a force in my life." And, "You are the reason I've been able to be happy here, when I had no one else in the world."

I did say, "I love you, too, so much." I don't know, I hope that's enough.