Nothing's easy

I need a "permission slip" for my follow-up sonogram (which is on Tuesday at 7:50 am) and my dang doctor's office just won't call me back. It's a maze of operators and answering machines. What's a girl to do?

I guess it wouldn't be such a big deal... except that at this moment in time... it feels like my whole world is hanging in the balance!

One more hour and I'm going to call back AGAIN -- they say the squeaky wheel gets the grease...??

PS: One week till our furniture is delivered (= one week till the home improvement hell goes on haitus!)!

Please no!

(((((i have to go paint baseboards now. dangitdangitdangitdangitdangit. there are VERY few things that actually make me want to stay late at work. boo.)))))

Home Improvement Woes Are Me

had a bad night last night -- out of what seemed like nowhere, g. started totally freaking out about our neverending home improvement projects. he's really burned out and he just lost it, basically told me he felt like he was doing everything by himself, and that i wasn't helping.

it made me feel horrible -- it's true i was visiting my brother last weekend, but other than that i have been working SO hard, and even when i haven't been actively painting or sanding or caulking or whatever, i have been putting meals on the table and making sure the laundry gets done etc. i NEVER sit around and watch tv while he's working. so it totally caught me off guard and felt completely unfair. i started crying and told him i didn't know what else i could be doing, and he eventually calmed down and apologized, but it really left a bad taste in my mouth. we almost never fight and this was really hurtful, because i have been SO supportive of all these god-forsaken projects and really really trying to smile through it even when i hate it!! ugh, i really need a break from all this stuff -- fortunately (i think) we only have about a week's worth of work left to do (on THIS project anyway); i hope i can make it. i'm feeling very tense about it now, even though supposedly we have made up, and we did get alot done last night once things blew over.

(g. is the most calm, sane, kind person i have ever met, but the home improvement stuff just brings out an ultra-intense side sometimes i really don't like!)

i think my 'condition' possibly contributed to my reaction, and i tried really hard not to play that card -- but you know what? i do think he should be extra sensitive to me in this state. honestly, i am dealing with a lot right now -- including trying not to throw up -- and i guess it's just not something he can fully appreciate and/or factor in. and, i don't really think i overreacted anyway....

g. is in atlanta today and tomorrow, and i have my marching orders between now and then (painting baseboards), so it's not like i can relax tonight. i'm really ready for this to end. meanwhile, i have to vent.

(adapted from an e-mail to mgd)

Co-conspirators

i told my parents this weekend. i was with them in MA. visiting my brother at college, and i knew it was my only opportunity to break the news in person.

oddly (i guess), i wasn't even sure i wanted to tell. i've been kind of revelling in the secrecy, or so i thought. and, i think there's a certain element of superstition -- if i let it out, i lose control of it. silly i guess. what will be will be. (nevertheless, even in conversations with g. i speak hypothetically -- "IF we have a baby in june," rather than "WHEN we have a baby in june"... surely my confidence will build with time, and my feelings of jinxedness will subside with every passing week.

anyway, so we were in the hotel room, getting ready for bed, just them and me. i told them that i had decided not to pursue a job opportunity i'd heard about lately... because i "might have another opportunity in my future" (there i go again, with "MIGHT," not "WILL" -- obviously i have heard way too many horror stories). i guess i turned white as a sheet and my lip started trembling because they said they were worried i was about to say i was being transferred to iraq or something! when i broke the news, they grabbed me and we all got emotional and it was great. actually, a huge relief to tell -- and it made it that much more real.

it also made it far easier to deal with all the stupid random things that come up in a weekend with my folks -- mainly the ability to deflect questions like "don't you want a bite of my eggs benedict," and "doesn't seared tuna sound delicious," and "how about a beer?"! mostly i just got a nice warm feeling from how excited they are. and that's ALL good.

the next sonogram is a week from today (election day, actually), and hopefully i'll finally have an idea on how far along i really am by then. i think that will also serve to make things more concrete in my mind. not to mention i'll finally know what chapter i should be at in "what to expect..."! ha.

it's funny, i've spent quite a bit of time at work speculating on other people's pregnancies or lack thereof, and now i'm wondering if anyone has a clue about me. probably not just yet. hopefully not. though now i can't wait to be in the clear so i can tell!

Oogy

definitely starting to feel symptoms - mainly feeling bloated and a little oogy in my tummy. not to the point of wanting to really throw up, just not totally normal. sometimes it's like cramps - makes me nervous. i check for blood everytime i go to the bathroom.

mostly, though, i feel pretty good.

thinking about telling my sister today, and almost surely telling my parents tomorrow when i see them in MA... but on the other hand, sort of enjoying the secret, too!

g. told me the books i ordered arrived while i was in nyc -- 'what to expect...', 'the expectant father's guide,' and a baby names book -- okay, so that one is premature (i'm going to have to force myself to put it away for awhile, don't want to get too attached to this being a real person just yet....); seriously, i just needed to spend the $5 more to qualify for free shipping... [[sheepish grin]]... SERIOUSLY! :)

Evidence of It

went to the dr. today. they took my blood and will have a positive result on that tomorrow. but meanwhile went for an early sonogram, where they supposedly were going to be able to tell me how far along i am.

unfortunately, they couldn't see anything from the external sonogram. honestly, that made me nervous. like maybe it is all in my head or something!! needless to say, they couldn't tell me how many weeks along i might be. then they did an invitro sonogram - not exactly pleasant... but it confirmed there really is something growing in there! although it's still too small to measure, she said it's in the right place, and i definitely am pregnant!! it's CRAZY.

g. came along to both appointments, which was great. i think it made the whole thing more real for both of us. we both wished we could have seen more on the sonogram display... but it's a start.........

first "real" ob appointment is november 9. it was supposed to be 11/2, but since they couldn't measure the... embryo?... i'll probably have to go back for another sonogram first.

something is growing inside me!! holy....!!!

Very Big Teeny Tiny News

oh my god. i'm... pregnant!

there, i said it. oh my god!

you know, i shouldn't be so shocked, because we were trying. i guess more than anything, i am shocked that it actually went according to plan. i think it all just seemed so impossible... kind of the way that, when you're a kid, you think you'll die young because you just CANNOT IMAGINE being a grownup. (maybe i am the only one who felt this way...?) so now i am coming to terms with the idea that i really *am* pregnant... and have moved on to feeling like something will surely go wrong, because i still cannot quite imagine having a baby...

...except i CAN imagine having a baby, at least in an abstract way. when i see one, i want one. i yearn for motherhood, and that level of attachment, in many ways. i do not yearn for poopy diapers. and i am terrified of the ways this will change our lives (particularly our standard of living -- we have taken 2 incomes for granted, for sure). mostly i am terrified that something bad will happen after i have bought into it all. i lay awake for an hour in the night with my heart pounding with the enormity of it all. then i fell asleep and had a dream that i fell into deep snow and got covered up and couldn't breathe... there is obviously some major symbolism going on there...

first things first, though -- only a home pregnancy test has given me the big thumbs up so far. tomorrow we go to the doctor for the official blood test -- i'm making g. come with me. he may have to sit in the waiting room -- but i will like knowing he is there. i hope everything is okay -- there is no turning back now.....!

ps: who will you be?