Reality sets in

So, the other day when L. was taking a completely uncharacteristically long nap, I found myself for the first time in a long time with nothing to do. Okay, let's be honest: with nothing to do that I WANTED to do.

I decided to look at the job listings in CA, where I am from. Where I want to return. Usually this exercise just serves to reinforce how little I want to go back to work (though almost surely will have to, if we want to avoid living in a shack).

But on this day, I was scrolling down, rejecting jobs in my head... and there it was. My perfect job. A job I am perfectly qualified for, an organization that should -- if the listing is indeed what it appears -- be ready to kill to hire me, in the city in which I wish to live, etc. etc. etc.

God, I don't know how to feel. A part of me wants it because I have been looking for it, waiting for it, for so long now. And here it finally is. At the same time, the prospect of leaving my darling amazing baby, and my little mommy cocoon, makes me feel physically sick.

As my mentors and my husband pointed out, there's no point in agonizing over a job that hasn't even been offered to me yet. Maybe they have a strong internal candidate. Maybe it's a stale posting. Maybe the people are stupid, or mean. Maybe they wouldn't be willing to wait until March (and I am not willing to go back to work/relocate until then, for a host of reasons too complex and boring to recount). Maybe I am not as perfect for it as I think, and they won't want me.

So, I guess I will apply, see if it comes my way, and then decide. I suppose this would be a good dilemma to have... so we will see.

Wish me luck -- whatever that means in this situation!