...And Then Again, Sizing Down.

So, my sister got laid off this afternoon. Totally out of the blue. They told her she had been doing a great, great job and they really liked her, they just were downsizing. She didn't see it coming, and basically she had to clear out right away because I guess in live media they worry someone's going to go postal on the air or something. Poor thing wasn't even allowed to send out a "goodbye" email or tell anyone she got laid off -- just had to gather her stuff and leave.

I know she will land on her feet and probably it will work out for the best in the long run, but she's crushed -- and it's so hard when they pull this shit around the holidays. And between this and breaking up with W. a few months ago, I just hope she doesn't go back into one of her big funks. She has definitely been known to spiral.

Ugh! I hurt for her!

Dressing Up.. and Sizing Up

So I had to buy a new outfit for New York this week. My one winter-suitable suit just was not cutting it -- too tight in the midsection, not to mention hopelessly out of date (I can't even remember the last time I wore a suit!). I hated to buy something new right now -- when I'm about to 'splode -- but hey, it should (thinking positive here!) fit again after all is said and done. Now I just have to keep the tummy in check for 2 more days....!

Bad News

S. is back in the hospital again -- with an unknown infection, wiping out what little was left of his white blood cells. All counts are back down to zero, his morale is terrible, the family is depressed, and I think this is an all-time low for him so far. Even when he thought he had three weeks to live he remained upbeat, for everyone else's sake if not his own. I'm concerned that his being angry/frustrated/fed-up will wreak bodily havoc as well. But how the hell do you think positive thoughts when nothing seems to be making you better?

G. and I will go visit this weekend -- either at home or in the hospital. Wish I knew how to fix him. He so doesn't deserve this... and things were looking so good (relatively) for awhile. Maybe we'll tell him our news (I'm getting a bit reckless with it as we get nearer but not all the way to 12 weeks, I fear) -- maybe some good news will brighten things, at least a little.

Graduation day

Yesterday we hit the big 10-week mark, and graduated from embryo to fetus. That is very good news. Two more weeks till the end of trimester numero uno, and that will be a big relief.

Nevertheless, this past week I kept having these moments of disbelief that all this stuff could possibly be happening inside me. Like -- maybe it's all in my mind?? Well, I know I can't be imagining this f---ing morning sickness/indigestion/bloating that is with me all the time, but the rest is still just so... incomprehensible.

And scary... We went to the movies over the weekend and there was a group of special ed kids -- complete with helmets and uncontrollable muscle spasms and loud grunts and moans -- and I just couldn't help thinking about how difficult that life would be for parents AND child. Selfishly, I wondered if I could bear it. I didn't want to feel that -- but I felt it. Does this make me a horrible person?

In any case, I'll just feel a lot more confident when we can actually hear the heartbeat etc. (hopefully at my next appt on 12/15).

Meanwhile, my 20-year-old brother was in town for Thanksgiving and was the last of the siblings to hear the big news. He seemed genuinely happy but I think it's just a LITTLE too abstract for him just now. In some ways he even seemed a little embarrassed about it (maybe because it is a pretty darn direct acknowledgement that yes, sex DOES happen to his sister -- eww, right?!).

Later this week, visiting NYC for work -- hopefully that will be a good distraction. We'll see if I can fit into my ONE winter business suit. I've been putting off trying....

Turkey day

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble (<--that's exactly what I plan to do... with no remorse this year!!)! :)

Can I just say...

...Tums are my new best friends?! (But even they are awfully fickle...)

Dreaming of Sleep

So, the only time I don't feel pretty much awful is when I'm in bed, about to sleep, sleeping, or just barely awake (as soon as I'm on my feet the heaving begins). I'm SO relieved when it's time to tuck in again each night, is that pathetic? Still haven't actually expelled anything, thankfully, but sometimes I think I'd feel better if I did. I've started stashing snacks in the nightstand -- seems to help. Eating always feels good, too, but then I eat too much and the heartburn kicks in like crazy. God, I hope the end of this part is in sight. (It's certainly all the harder having to hide it...)

Meanwhile, I bought two pairs of elastic-waistband pants today, lord help me. The good news is, I plan to eat WITH ABANDON this Thanksgiving! (Got to find out if it's true pregnant ladies shouldn't eat the stuffing cooked in the bird... my favorite! Hmmm...)

Actually, though, I still haven't gained any weight (though I seem to have less in my butt and more in my tummy). It's amazing how deeply ingrained our societal pressures are though -- even though I know I really do need to start gaining, I keep feeling secretly happy I'm not (esp. given the amount I'm eating), and then have to tell myself how f---ed up that is....

The test

We told my in-laws the news last night. They were thrilled, of course. It actually was a lovely reaction. They are sworn to secrecy -- we'll see how long that lasts. I really have never met a person with a bigger mouth than my mother-in-law. But... she wouldn't dare piss me off now that I'm carrying the first grandchild, would she? (I guess this is what our weasel of a president calls "political capital"!) This will be a true test... hahaha.

Blogs can break your heart.

I guess it only makes sense that people oftentimes turn to their journals when things are not so great. Lord knows I can't bring myself to reread my teenage diaries, because I know when things were going well enough, I couldn't be bothered to write.

The "next-blog" button is like an addiction, and I tend to stop on the ones that are truly wrenching -- because let's face it, those are the ones that are interesting (I like the funny ones too, but that's another fix entirely). Maybe secretly they make me feel better about me. Mostly, they fill me with a profound sense of the enormity of drama in EVERY SINGLE PERSON'S life... All those faceless people pushing and shoving their way through Costco or sitting on the freeway -- relevant to my life only in the space they take up -- are probably the bloggers I read.

I only hope that the writing -- and my vicarious experience thru reading -- eases the pain, even a bit.

I'm thinking about you, blog people, even though you don't know me. Thanks for letting me in.

The Dilemma...

...To tell the in-laws, or not to tell?

Pros: I want them involved, I know they will be SO happy, I fear they will find out someday that *my* parents knew way before they did, this could be a great bonding opportunity, etc. etc. etc.

Con: My MIL has the biggest mouth on the planet. And should something go wrong and she's told the world (against my will), she will have to untell them, and that is NO ONE'S business. Right?

You'd think that simply swearing them to secrecy would be all it would take... but a solemn vow is nothing that can't be undone with a few drinks (and with her there are MANY cases in point). If she hadn't told me a lot of other people's secrets (without my asking, I might add), I might not worry so much. And I'm not sure she deserves the benefit of the doubt.

Maybe we'll tell after the big appointment on Wednesday. It's weird... I just feel so jinxy.

He just ain't gettin' it

Okay I know they say pregnancy is MUCH more abstract to the potential father, esp. this early when he has no real proof of this major thing happening inside me other than me constantly complaining about wanting to barf my guts out.

BUT. I would really appreciate him not acting like I'm taking advantage of the situation when I ask him to PLEASE get me some juice or some cheerios or whatever, including sighing and eye-rolling and asking if I'm planning to "play this card" for the next 7.5 months. Then when I cry saying he was joking and he "loves" taking care of me, blah blah blah. No. Too little too late, buddy.

The truth is, he's a good-hearted soul, and it probably was a joke. And, at the end of the day, he gets the job done. But I am not going to feel guilty about doing all the "real" work here. Nor for my raging hormones. And if he doesn't think it's work, I invite the symptoms on him (only temporarily, of course). It ain't pretty, and we've only just begun.

I'd stay mad if he wasn't so gosh darn cute.....

Homecoming

Good news -- S. got out of the hospital last night! This is obviously very positive. However, I just called and P. warns that he is still VERY immuno-compromised, so things are still shaky and he has to be REALLY careful for awhile. He's going to go up to the hospital twice a week for the time being for tests etc. Hopefully he can stay healthy and his white blood count will go back up.

They are not out of the woods yet, but i'm sure just being home will do him a world of good, along with the knowledge that the worst (of the treatment, at least) is behind him.

In other news, my OB appointment was postponed - oh well - will try again in 8 days.

Meanwhile, the morning sickness beast rages on... It's distracting, to say the least! I am getting NO work done...

Barfiest day yet.

The title says it all -- I've wanted to hurl all day. I thought this might be the day I finally lost it. But I kept it in.... and I'm honestly not sure if that's all good. Whatever... I guess this means that things are functioning like they're supposed to be. I am going to try to be thankful for morning (actually in my case, afternoon) sickness... there's certainly no doubt this is an ominpresent reminder of somethin' cookin'!

Tomorrow - the first "official OB appointment. Should be interesting, and information overload. I can't wait!

Happier News

The new couch will be delivered on Saturday! May sound insignificant on the face of things, but it marks the end of the home improvement era (for a few months at least)!! Hurrah, hurrah! (I sure hope it matches the paint!)

Grrr.

I told my sister about the pregnancy the other day, which I was really excited to do. I don't know what I expected but it was really bizarre and bad at first -- I think she was just shocked, and things don't always translate well over the phone, and she kind of freaked out. Mainly, she was annoyed that I had told Mom and Dad two weeks before her. This felt all kinds of unfair, since a) NO ONE else (not even my in-laws) know yet, b) I had to tell my parents when I saw them, it was my only opportunity and c) HELLO, they are my mommy and my daddy! I tried to reign her in really quick and set her straight, and also tried to take the high road and explain that there is a lot of fear and superstition involved with this, and it's *scary* to talk about it, etc. etc. But honestly, I didn't feel like I should have to make excuses, and I still don't. I almost cried -- maybe I even did a little bit, I don't remember, it was election night and I was crashing at work and there was a ton going on at the same time, which maybe was for the best.

To make a long story short, she called back a little while later and apologized "for having such a selfish reaction," and said she was REALLY REALLY excited, and just emotional/shocked/a little bit jealous -- not that she wants a baby, but that it seems like everything goes so nicely in my life and she doesn't even have any prospects and blah blah blah. I get it -- kind of -- but I was also a little bit transported back to my 21st birthday, when my mother gave me a necklace that L. really loved, and she started sobbing at the table in the Carnelian Room, in front of the entire extended family. Anyway, I am moving beyond it because what good does it do to dwell? And the truth is, I *know* she is happy and she will love the little person... and I guess I also know she'll regret her reaction for a long time. So, why punish her anymore than she will punish herself? I *did* want to tell her and I *am* glad she knows, so why not just go with the flow? Only positive energy for this baby.

It's harder to get positive about the election results. I am shocked -- SHOCKED -- that 59,000,000+ people could get behind Bush. He's a zealot and a liar, and that's it. But I'm also really tired of the negativity in this country. That doesn't mean I'm ready to embrace the bastard -- I'm not -- but what else can be done to stop him? I think the saddest part for me is the notion that all of these people who came out to vote for the first time, stood in the 9-hour lines, etc. etc. may next time say "What good did it do? Why bother?" and not even try next time. I feel like if the effort really *had* brought about change, it could have launched a revolution -- or at least a renewed sense of civic pride. Are we doomed to a life of Republicanism? (When I look at that crazy map of all the red states with the blue on either side and the top, I have this image of a big spreading plague, pushing outwards -- until what? We all fall into the ocean?)

Wait, wait -- no negativity. For you-know-who, if not for myself right now. Deep breaths. Keep going.

Oh Baby...

Sonogram went great! I'm at six weeks and two days, with a projected due date of June 26. I wish the due date was a little earlier (and that I was a little further along), but hey, I can't complain.

Most amazing: the tiny, fluttering heart beating -- I think both G. and I had a real "holy crap!" kind of moment. It's starting to feel a little more real...

(And along with feeling "real," I also feel like I need to puke! Bleh! But that's another story!) :)

Bad Dreams

I think I had a dream that I miscarried last night. Or maybe it was a dream that I was never really pregnant. In any case, there was a spot of blood, and then I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. Thankfully, no blood in the waking world...

I also dreamed the other night that G. bought a(nother) beat up old Volvo, I don't know what THAT was about! :)

Tomorrow is the sonogram. I am really hoping everything goes okay.

When I see babies around, I try to imagine having one. The logistics of having one -- the carting around of diaper bags, strollers, etc. etc. etc. -- but also the joy and amazing coexistence (dare I say codependence) with one. How life may (will??) change in a few short months!

But first, another east coast winter to contend with...!