Lindsay

Born June 15, 2005, 9:41 am. Most amazing experience of my life. More details soon, when things calm down!

Waiting, waiting, waiting

Nothing new in preggo land. The doctor wants to schedule an induction, says she doesn't care when (her hospital days this month are Fridays), but so far the hospital hasn't been able to come up with a slot for this week and next week remains to be seen. (I totally have a feeling that the scheduler just didn't feel like dealing with it all last week while I was waiting by the phone, and just kind of let it get away... but I'll never know, so doesn't do me much good to stew I suppose...) Meanwhile, baby doesn't seem to be budging, after that one stormy night of excitement.

My sister says I just need to accept that this is the beginning of a life of not being able to fully control things, and I know that is true... but I am a planner! It's HARD to relinquish control! Argh!

In other, equally uncontrollable and much less optimistic news, SS is nearing the end of the line. He made it to his son's high school graduation, which was always his goal -- but not without a lot of pain and scares and even an eleventh-hour blood transfusion. I don't know if he'll even try to hang on much longer now that he's made it to this point. No one is talking about recovery as even a remote option anymore.

It's hard for me not to think about his deterioration and inevitable passing in conjunction with my own impending new arrival. I hope it will eventually provide comfort for everyone involved -- the notion of a new life to celebrate even as we say goodbye to a beloved one -- but for now it can't help but cast a shadow. I will miss him so, so very much!

Transition

It's my last day at the office, at least for 2005. I really can't say if I'll ever come back, but that is not the official line... and since I'm still -- in theory at least -- "working from home" till the baby comes, it's all rather anticlimactic. I guess it's good that it doesn't feel more emotional -- must mean I'm ready to bolt. Would have been nice if someone had suggested lunch or some kind of sendoff, but I guess they figure I'll be around, and I probably will be... and frankly half our office is on maternity leave or business trips anyway. Whatever. I'm over it and them.

My doctor's office called and will schedule induction -- assuming labor doesn't happen naturally before then -- for either next Friday (one week!!!) 6/17, or the one after, 6/24. I'm selfishly hoping for 6/17, but guess I gotta do what the doctor says is best, and what the hospital can accommodate. We'll see... hopefully she'll come on her own in any case... I just want to do this thing already!

And another thing.

After a friend bullied me into thinking about daycare centers (in spite of the fact that I really cannot think much at all beyond pushing the kid out of my body), I called a couple near my house. Just want to make sure I'm covered, although I have *no* idea what I am going to want/need to do after my maternity leave runs out.

One just told me "Our wait list for infants is now running 16-24 months."

Um, people? 16-24-months-old are not infants anymore, last time I checked. Does this mean people are seriously getting on daycare waitlists BEFORE they are getting pregnant? Maybe BEFORE they meet/settle on their spouse? Is this something you should discuss and get to work on between the first date movie and the first date goodnight kiss?

This is not only terrifying but psychotic.

Anyway. I'd write more, but I gotta go sign my unborn child up for SAT class now so she can get into college.

Boing

So. I thought my pregnancy destiny was the flat belly button. It has been pretty consistent. The "innie" I know so well is very long gone, so stretched in fact that to run your hands over my belly with your eyes closed would lead you to believe I did not have a belly button at all, and only a difference in pigment begs to differ.

But then today, out of the blue, I noticed a new inclination towards... "outtie." Today, at 38+ weeks!

What's up with that? Is she just finally getting too dang big? Is this the last bit of belly with any more room to give? Is she looking for an alternative path by which to burrow out?

Or might it have something to do with the 10x10 square of beef lasagna i just inhaled (literally, breathed it right in)?

Me thinks it might.

False alarm...

...Shocker. But, dang.

The calm

Last night we lay in bed
Me, curled up like a C
His head in the nook
His hand on the baby in the belly --
Our daughter --
Reading Dr. Suess...
We fell asleep that way...
His head on my breast
His hand on my tummy
My face in his hair
Listening to the thunder and rain pounding down outside
Our little pre-family...
It was delicious.




5am, some wetness, and contractions all night -- not the timeable, breathtaking kind, but real all the same -- doctor's appointment's in 2 hours... could this be the beginning of something? Hmm.

If she could see me now

As I sit in my tidy, pretty yard, on a pristine early-summer day -- blossoms springing everywhere... lovely, tall, attentive husband washing the car -- pausing to admire and sometimes converse with my ripe and swelling belly while I look on from my perch... quietly basking in the life we have, anticipating the changes about to come...

...I think to myself, if only I could project a glimpse back to my often-lonely, frequently-hopeless 13-year-old self. The self who could barely see to the end of the next week... The self who wondered if she could ever be loved with all her flaws.

I never did dare to dream this wealth of being.

Fully cooked, and gearing up

Now that we have reached the 37 week, "full-term" mark and the baby has successfully turned head-down, anxiety has begun to give way to relief, and now I just want to meet this kid!!

I find it so fascinating when people are shocked that we wanted to find out the gender of our baby. Some even scoff and say "WHY would you want to find out?" Is this a rhetorical question? I mean -- there are a million reasons why! I fully respect the opposite decision -- I get it completely -- but for me (being a control freak and a major type-A planner) I couldn't wait to find out. To start planning, to start naming, to start bonding, to start knowing! And I don't for a minute buy the argument that the birthday will be any less special, any less exciting, because we already know she is a girl. I still get to find out WHO she is -- what she looks like, who she resembles, what her personality is... everything else. And (unless 3 sonograms have been really really wrong), I won't have to deal with circumcision issues and have been able to do away with half the naming struggle (although we have one boy name just in case, I admit)! So for me -- and I'm ONLY talking about ME here; to each her own -- it was a no-brainer.

(Incidentally, my neighbor is having twins and not finding out the genders, so they have to come up with FOUR names, to cover every scenario! Wowzer.)

With every passing day, my anticipation grows as I get ready to meet her. It's crazy times when you know you're about to come face to face with your very own new best friend, and you know almost nothing about her!