Very Big Teeny Tiny News

oh my god. i'm... pregnant!

there, i said it. oh my god!

you know, i shouldn't be so shocked, because we were trying. i guess more than anything, i am shocked that it actually went according to plan. i think it all just seemed so impossible... kind of the way that, when you're a kid, you think you'll die young because you just CANNOT IMAGINE being a grownup. (maybe i am the only one who felt this way...?) so now i am coming to terms with the idea that i really *am* pregnant... and have moved on to feeling like something will surely go wrong, because i still cannot quite imagine having a baby...

...except i CAN imagine having a baby, at least in an abstract way. when i see one, i want one. i yearn for motherhood, and that level of attachment, in many ways. i do not yearn for poopy diapers. and i am terrified of the ways this will change our lives (particularly our standard of living -- we have taken 2 incomes for granted, for sure). mostly i am terrified that something bad will happen after i have bought into it all. i lay awake for an hour in the night with my heart pounding with the enormity of it all. then i fell asleep and had a dream that i fell into deep snow and got covered up and couldn't breathe... there is obviously some major symbolism going on there...

first things first, though -- only a home pregnancy test has given me the big thumbs up so far. tomorrow we go to the doctor for the official blood test -- i'm making g. come with me. he may have to sit in the waiting room -- but i will like knowing he is there. i hope everything is okay -- there is no turning back now.....!

ps: who will you be?