The root of all evil.

Last night G. and I had a big fight (although we don't really ever FIGHT, so let's call it a big TALK)... about money. Seems he wants to use his long-awaited end-of-the-year bonus to pay his dad back for a long outstanding loan, because he's uncomfortable being in debt to his father (although in typical guy form, he refuses to talk about it with him). Meanwhile, I am worried about having enough cushion for the 8 months (and maybe more, you just never know) I won't be working when baby comes.... I don't want to HAVE to go rushing back just because his pride dictated that he pay off a big chunk without even seeing if his dad really cares how soon he gets paid back. I guess this is selfish of me. And I understand his not wanting to be in debt, especially because his parents are notoriously passive agressive and probably wouldn't tell him even if they did really want to be paid back right away, and were secretly stewing about it.

Anyway, I am open to it (although I don't think he believes this now). I just didn't appreciate being told this was the plan, rather than discussing it and understanding it and deciding together. And I guess I also feel a little inadequate about the whole money thing, because I don't have a lot of context (how much other money we really have to work with, how long it would last us, etc.) because he manages a lot of our savings. He has anxiety about becoming the sole breadwinner (and the debt we have already accrued), and I have anxiety about no longer being a breadwinner. Maybe neither of us has been sensitive enough to the other's worries. I don't know -- I think there was misunderstanding on both parts -- but it all came out wrong on both ends and wound up being pretty uncomfy. Now he's bummed and I'm bummed that he's bummed.

I hate talking about money. I always have. I wish money did not exist, or that we all had the same amount. I could totally handle living in a more socialist setup I think -- wouldn't even know what we were missing. Meanwhile, though, I guess no one ever feels like they have enough. And the prospect of adding a mouth to feed and taking away one whole income -- at least for awhile -- is scary. Not to mention the fact that I am more and more convinced that even if I have to work again AB (After Baby), it may not be at this job. I don't know -- I would never say never -- it's just not a job that's conducive to being second priority. And clearly, any job would be, AB.

Oh my god -- I feel like we are playing grownup. Money, house, jobs, baby? Can this really be our life? How the heck did we get here already!??!!